growing up

we're at a war - me and myself

Wednesday, June 02, 2010tee

i hate myself for wanting it. desperately wanting it bad that it aches. i hate myself more for stopping myself. punishing myself even more with reasons and excuses and fears why i cannot have it. it's like having a free look at something, within an arm's length, but you cannot have it. like what candy must be for a diabetic.

i hate myself knowing that i will keep on wanting it. i will keep on looking at it, thinking of it and aiming for it. and i hate myself knowing if i don't do anything about it, i will regret it. i will be consumed by what-ifs and haunted by ghosts yet again. what if i wake up one day to smack myself in the head so hard - i should've just went for it, plunged head on. but by then when realization struck it was too late?

will it be the road not taken? the chance missed? the opportunity gone?
how do you even know that this is the chance you're supposed to take? it's not as if it will materialize in front of you with a red obvious mark "take me, i'm IT!!!" with matching ala winning-the-lottery bing-bing-bing sound effects! gosh, that would really simplify things!!!

me, myself and i are on a war by ourselves now. the battlefield is the mind. me is the pessimist, always thinking of the worst. myself is the optimist, always seeing the bright side. and i, is caught in the middle.

the score will have to be settled eventually. lest it turns into a serious personality disorder, or someone ending up a basket case. (gulp)

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