Oh, Grace!

Friday, July 08, 2016tee

As Jaden grows older and interactive, verbal and vocal and more engaging, I am enjoying him and our time more. We actually now have our routines. It's no longer just naps, nappy changes, feedings on repeat. There's now playtime, storytime, afternoons at the park, tickles, and lots of cuddles. 

No matter how minute, how ordinary, how simple, I wouldn't trade it for anything else.
It's the everyday, little things that matter.

I have to admit though, that being around Jaden 24/7 is a love and hate thing. You see the smiles in the photos, but you don't see the mini-tantrums and the challenges. You don't see the stubbornness and impatience that he most certainly got from me (no one else to take it from as his dad is an epitome of chill and patience!), and the breakdowns when I have had a long and stressful day. It doesn't happen often, but yes, we have our moments too. You don't see the messes we deal with on a regular basis. Or feel how painful it is to have a book shoved onto your face because it's storytime and he wants to read a book NOW. PRONTO. 

You don't hear that little nagging voice of doubt that asks if I am doing all I can and giving the best. If I made the right choice. If I was too harsh on disciplining him. If I should have done that or this instead. If this is indeed the best or not. Mom-guilt is definitely real.

But I suppose this is what parenting is all about - making choices and then doubting and double-guessing yourself. But then, it gets better in time. You get better at it. You learn to let your hair down, loosen up and enjoy. You make the most out of the moment and enjoy and know that this is not just a "job" or something that needs to be done. You learn not to be too hard on yourself. That it's okay to make mistakes and you'll definitely make a handful or two. That nobody is perfect. You lose your cool and patience, you get frustrated. You learn from your mistakes, and hopefully, you parent better. It makes you grasp at straws and realise it's not in your control - nothing, not even your child. And this job needs grace more than anything else. And it has been grace and only through God's grace and mercies that we have gone this far. 

And then you get paid in little, sloppy and very wet kisses (or licks). And sweet, chinky-eyed smiles. And giggles - endless giggles. 

I think parenting is more for me than it is for Jaden. It teaches me patience, dependence on God and helps build my character. It teaches me of love - unconditional love. It teaches me how much patience I need to learn. It teaches me of selflessness. And it definitely reminds me of grace. That each and everyday, I need grace to parent. That I am not perfect, but that's OK. God is in full control of me, of J, and of Jaden - even in the little, everyday things.

And every day, I have a fresh serving of grace.

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